Mallory Speaks Her Mind
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory has a few choice words about Archer and Lana's relationship.


**Somehow Mallory took the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. This is my demented way of explaining how Mallory found out about Archer and Lana. Takes place the day after the events of my story Mallory and Ron Hit The Town.**

 **Mallory Speaks Her Mind **

"All right everyone we're having a meeting **right now!"** Cyril snapped at the members of the Figgis Agency in the bullpen/waiting room. He still had a black eye from the previous night. "Where's Archer and Lana?"

"Right here," Archer walked in with Lana. "Love the new look, Cyril."

"Eat a dick Archer!" Cyril snapped. "I'm sure Pam has told you and Lana all about how your mother ruined my date last night!"

"First of all," Mallory glared at Cyril. "That date with Sleeping Beauty wasn't going to go anywhere to begin with. Secondly, I didn't start that fight!"

"Yeah you kind of did," Krieger spoke up.

"You got into a shouting match with that guy you knew," Pam recounted. "Insulted his wife and threw a drink at her."

"Only her!" Mallory snapped. "Cheryl is the one who started throwing food!"

"I thought that's what we were supposed to do because you did it first!" Cheryl snapped.

"She does have a point Mother," Archer shrugged. "I mean come on. It's Carol. Moron see, moron do."

"I'll tell you one thing!" Cyril snapped. "I don't want LA to be a repeat of New York. Where we all got banned from nearly every place in town!"

"It was just one measly restaurant," Mallory sniffed.

"And then it will be just one bar. And then another bar or restaurant," Cyril snapped. "And then another bar. Then another place. Then a hotel. And so on, and so on until we end up getting banned permanently! Like Canada! And Branson!"

"Or Portugal," Mallory remembered.

"Monte Carlo," Lana admitted with a groan.

"Wait when were we banned from Monte Carlo?" Archer asked.

"After we carjacked those racers at the Grand Prix while trying to get back those bearer bonds?" Lana gave him a look.

"Oh right," Archer remembered. "From Benoit. Balls!"

"I'm pretty sure we're persona non grata at the Vatican as well," Lana admitted.

"But we saved the Pope's life," Archer said.

"After we kidnapped the Pope and nearly got him killed twice," Lana gave him a look. "And was hired by the guy who wanted to kill him in the first place."

"Pam broke a mirror," Archer pointed.

"Don't forget Columbia," Ray rolled his eyes.

"And I'm pretty sure we're not exactly welcome back at San Marcos either," Krieger added. "What's left of it."

"My point is," Cyril let out a breath of annoyance. "I don't want to add LA to the very long list of places we are no longer welcome! This is our home now and we need to make a good impression!"

"Like the one your date made into your face," Archer quipped.

"I hate to say this but Cyril does have a point," Mallory admitted. "Like it or not I don't have as many contacts as I used to. So we need to find ways to make new ones."

"Without insulting their wives or starting food fights," Cyril added.

"I have a plan," Archer said.

"Is it for us to think up ideas while you sit back and pick the best ones?" Ray gave him a look.

"I didn't say it was an original plan," Archer shrugged. "But I'm sure Lana and I can come up with something."

"So Sterling and Lana are you two going to do any **actual work** today?" Mallory asked icily. "Or are you going to go back in the broom closet and bang each other again?"

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" Archer gulped nervously. "I uh…"

Lana added. "I uh…"

"Oh **shut up**!" Mallory snarled. "Don't bother lying! I've known you two were back together for months! Before the whole mess in New Mexico actually!"

"What? How?" Archer gasped. "How did you find out?"

"Sterling, I've been a spy longer than you've been **alive** ," Mallory gave him a look. "I know how to find out information. Especially since the two of you weren't exactly being discreet! I can hear you two going at it like animals in heat down the hall!"

"Told you," Ray gave Lana a look.

"No wonder these idiots were so desperate to bring that tin plated tramp Katya back to try to seduce you!" Mallory pointed at the others. "Of course **that plan backfired**! Surprise, surprise!"

"How did you know about **that**?" Cyril gasped.

"Again, spy for over **fifty years** ," Mallory gave him a look.

"Oh," Cyril groaned.

"That and listening to Tweedle Dumb and Dumber over here gab about it in the Ladies' room," Mallory pointed to Pam and Cheryl.

"How…?" Pam did a double take.

"You think you **invented** the lifting your feet up so they don't show in the stall trick?" Mallory gave her a look.

"Oh…" Pam groaned.

"The only reason I didn't say anything until now was that I was hoping that you'd man up for once in your life and tell me!" Mallory whirled on Archer. "Actually that's not true. Ron and I had a bet. So I was hoping you'd hide like a scared little girl who broke a vase. Bad news Ron. You owe me a new piece of jewelry!"

"Well I didn't say anything because I didn't want you to ruin it!" Archer said.

"Nice," Mallory growled.

"That came out wrong," Archer winced.

"YOU THINK?" Mallory snarled.

"I just didn't want you getting in the way with me and Lana like you did the last time," Archer added.

"I think you're confused Sterling," Mallory growled. "It was your **penis** that got in the way of you and Lana _the first time_!"

"Well she's not wrong," Lana folded her arms.

"And **you!** " Mallory whirled on her. "I expected Sterling to not say anything but **you** Lana? Little Miss Honesty here?"

"Well I wanted to but I uh…" Lana gulped. "I uh…"

"Let me guess," Mallory gave her a look. "The dirty sneaky sex was just too good to give up wasn't it?"

"Yeah…" Lana admitted sheepishly.

"Well I can't say I blame you for that," Mallory waved. "Been there. But Sterling I expected better from you!"

"Again how did you find out?" Archer asked.

"Have you idiots forgotten that the entire Tunt Manor was on surveillance cameras?" Mallory shouted. "Especially the **bathrooms**?"

"I didn't!" Krieger said cheerfully.

"Oh…" Archer and Lana winced.

"You're just lucky I thought of going back there and grabbing those tapes before someone from the CIA did!" Mallory shouted. "Do you have any idea what would happen if that entire debacle got leaked out? It would make the sex tapes I had with Jackov look like a children's story hour!"

"Uh…" Lana and Archer said at the same time.

"We'd all be arrested for treason again!" Mallory shouted. "And this time I won't be able to make a deal! Not to mention what would happen if anyone from Durhan got a hold of them!"

"What do you mean?" Archer asked.

"Well Sterling if you involve a royal family from a conservative Muslim country in a sex tape scandal, people from that conservative Muslim country are bound to be **ticked off!"** Mallory shouted. "Things are bad enough with Durhan as it is! Imagine what would happen if that got out?"

"That would not go well," Ray winced.

"No, ya **think?** " Mallory snapped at him. "Oh I forgot. NONE OF YOU ACTUALLY DO! Which is why I have to think **for you**!"

Mallory let out an annoyed breath. "But that's not important right now. What is important is our current situation and how we're going to get some damn money around here! Which means I have to think of something. Again!"

"Well I can…" Archer began.

"Don't do me any favors!" Mallory turned on him. "You've made it painfully clear how much I matter to you! Or should I say **how little**! So fine! Forget it! Forget **you!"**

Mallory turned to Lana. "I have to say I'm disappointed in you Lana. I thought you were smarter than to get involved with my idiot of a son again. I mean, stealing his sperm to have a child is one thing. But to date him _again_? SERIOUSLY?"

" **That's** where she draws the line?" Ray asked the others.

Mallory went on. "Do you know the **real** reason I didn't want you two back together? Or together at all? Besides the fact that you two idiots can't separate your personal lives from your professional ones even with the Jaws of Life? I didn't want Sterling to ruin you Lana, like he's ruined so many, many women before him. You're one of the few quality women he's ever dated. Not that the bar was set high in that regard…"

"You should be flattered," Pam said to Lana.

"Somehow I'm not," Lana groaned. "And hello! You were with Archer too."

"Oh yeah, that's right," Pam blinked.

"It's not the fact that you two lied to me that hurts the most," Mallory growled. "It's the fact that you constantly blame **me** for your problems! Sterling, you didn't have the perfect childhood and I wasn't the perfect mother! Lana you have trust issues. Boo freaking hoo! I'm not the one who screwed up your relationship the last time but for some reason I'm the damn scapegoat!"

"Well I've **had** it!" Mallory snapped. "You want me to stay out of your relationship! Fine! I'll stay out of it! But mark my words this affair of yours is going to end in disaster like the last time! And odds are Sterling will be at fault. But go ahead! Do whatever you want! Screw each other's brains out for all I care!"

"Now that I think about it, you two idiots are **perfect** for each other!" Mallory went on. "Because **nobody else** will put up with your selfish, neurotic idiocy! INCLUDING ME!"

Mallory stormed out. "So uh…The meeting isn't over…" Cyril said timidly.

"BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS CYRIL!" Mallory shouted. "AND THEN STERLING YOU AND LANA CAN BLOW IT OUT **BOTH** YOUR ASSES!"

"Wow…" Lana blinked.

"I know," Archer said. "She took the news a lot better than I thought."

"I don't know why we bother with meetings in the first place," Cyril groaned.


End file.
